It was no secret that I was very
excited for some alone time as I anticipated all my babies being in
school for the first time. 13 years of being a stay-at-home mom
blessed my socks off but this introvert was starting to daydream
about quiet days and actually being able to finish something I
started.
I even had a running list of all the things I wanted to do
when I had some free time. Things like volunteering at school
regularly, spending uninterrupted time with Jesus, keeping my house
in decent shape, making a weekly meal plan.
I can honestly say I met
my goals and even added some things like exercising regularly again
and remembering to get my gray hair colored more often. I checked off
my list almost every day – including keeping up with the laundry
mountain! I know I have been more patient and felt less
fried as a result of some quiet time.
Pretty great, right? Well yes! BUT (there's always a but).
I started realizing that a common theme in all of this was one word
most women struggle with...control. I had taken note of all the
pieces of my life that were scattered around and messy, I made a list
and I took care of business this year. And I REALLY liked it. I
love staying on top of things, keeping our family's schedule and
crossing stuff of my list.
My prayer time became richer too so I am
in no way saying this is all bad. But as I reflect on this year, I
asked God to reveal the areas I need to surrender to Him and the
places He wants to refine me and the word “control” flashed in my
mind.
Is it possible that having more margins in my life lead to
having less margins?
I have noticed that I guard my time pretty
fiercely. Even right now, I feel like I should stop writing and get
the laundry folded before school gets out. So in my desire for quiet
and rest and ultimately a regained control over my life, I see that I
have done a lot less writing...less playing piano...less
dancing...less laughing. (My five primary sources of laughter are at
school all day after all!).
I am not sharing this to criticize
myself. I know I have an enemy who wants me to believe that all I do
is fail. I will not give in to that lie!
But as I prepare to
welcome all the cherubs home again for the summer and then a few
months later send them all back to school, I'm pretty sure I will be
longing for quiet rest again as I begin Year Two. I want to do it
well and to me that means remembering to surrender my day to Jesus.
He will give me rest, He will lead me into times of worship and
prayer, He will let me know when I need to drop what I'm doing to
love on someone, and He will give me the energy to get my daily tasks
done.
No matter how hard we try, we never arrive at perfection in
this life. Striving for it can feel really great for awhile until we
realize it never fills us up. This verse has been my prayer this year...”I pray that from his
glorious unlimited resources he will give you mighty inner strength
through his Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and
more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go
down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love.” Ephesians
3:16-17
Here's to deep roots. No matter how
tangled and messy they are, they draw nourishment from the only
Source that helps us release our tight grip on what we think life should be and leads us into true life and freedom.
